New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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