your parents love me but you hate me
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
