i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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