im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
