i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
