He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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