i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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