just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
