I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
