how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
