She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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