Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize