I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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