i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
