i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You have to summon your inner elephant
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
