Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
