Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
