Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
