My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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