mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
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Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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