My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
