I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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