3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
