Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize