It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
