smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
