your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
