I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
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Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
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I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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