i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
