I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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