Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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