I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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