captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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