look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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