Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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