My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
