My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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