tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
