Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
