i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Bring me that man meat
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
