I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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