yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
