How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
