FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
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I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
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He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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