He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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