my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
