If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
