she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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