gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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