I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
