Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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