I could make wine with my vomit
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
