I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
