I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
