So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
