Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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